Mommy Dilemmas-Part 1

I have to say that one of the greatest dilemmas of my life as a Mom has been the back and forth of what is the "right" thing to do when deciding to stay at home with your child (children) or return to  your career. In my case I've ended up in a sort of Limbo Zone knowing full well I will return, but not really committing to the when of the matter.  You see I know something others who fully commit to one or the other might not, they both leave you with guilt and relief!

You may be wondering what qualifies me to discuss either, and I'll just state that the following has been my experience.

When I became pregnant with my oldest, my hubby and I were both in our late 20's, we were right in the heart of that phase of life when you're working on making your mark in your career and proving that you have great things to offer. I had just been given an Honors program to revamp and teach and I was involved in numerous clubs and activities at school as an advisor. I was excited, nervous and knew I would be returning to work after my baby was born.  I mean, I had a lot of responsibilities to my students, my administration, my livelihood! And then I held that 7 lb 5 oz baby boy in my arms and I could have cared less about the papers I hadn't gotten graded in a timely fashion, or the upcoming Spirit week and the students disappointment I wasn't going to be there.  I just wanted to hunker down and escape into this tiny little man who had completely enchanted my world.  Life became a blur and the thought of going back to work literally made me ill.  How could I leave this helpless little baby with strangers.  So a plan was made.  I would return to work the following school year when my son was 6 months old. He would be with my Mom three days and in daycare two.  It wasn't ideal but it was what we needed to do financially. The irony of the tale is that three days before I was scheduled to return to work my husband got a raise that nearly doubled his salary...it was a huge blessing for our family, but my return to work was already set in motion.

That September, I begrudgingly started back to work, except if I'm honest a huge part of me didn't make it back.  Gone was my motivation to get involved after school...I was out the door and to that daycare or my Mom's as quick as I could be.  I was missing my son's life and others were there to do the things that my soul ached to be doing.  So I did what any logical person would do when they feel like they are being torn in half, I devised a plan to be whole. All I needed to do was have another baby.  My husband was on board with the idea, since he wanted two and he wanted them close in age.  So when Z turned 1, we began trying for our second, little did I know I was already expecting. It was perfect we saved and saved and I returned to work that next September knowing Id be home with my boys by November.  The plan, I would take a year and a half off and then return to work.  You see I am blessed with a  unique opportunity, thanks to my Union and our contract, that my district will hold our position for two years while an individual is out on maternity leave. It was this knowledge that was my salvation in many ways in those days. So I made it through those two months as a shell of the teacher Id been before and into the delivery room and my return to being a SAHM.

But this time staying at home wasn't what I'd envisioned. With a 21 month old and a newborn life was hectic; my husband was working incessantly to make sure that we stayed afloat. It was a trying time for me, I'm pretty sure in retrospect I suffered from post par tum depression and I found myself failing in many ways.  I wasn't the mom in the magazine coming up with clever activities for my toddler to do, and my baby who was very easy to care for always seemed to be pushed aside. I felt guilty everyday that I wasn't holding him enough as I chased his brother around and ashamed that I used the TV to watch my two year old while I made dinner.  I was a mess in my personal appearance, hardly dressing myself and taking no interest in anything but trying to be a great mom.  I completely lost myself and while I fought it and felt such guilt over it, I missed my classroom.  I wanted to be among my students discussing literature and life, instead of building puzzles and changing diapers.  I missed the dialogue with my peers. Having a 40 minute lunch to make phone calls without crying or screaming babies was a luxury a place where I was actually able to drink a HOT cup of coffee seemed like heaven.  And of course just that thought of longing for where I'd been made me feel ashamed and horrid. What kind of a mother doesn't want to be a SAHM?

For 14 months I stayed home with my boys, and when the time came to return to teaching I was relieved and tortured.  I hated knowing that I was institutionalizing them at such a young age. That they were going to be cared for again by someone other than me, but a part of me knew that walking away from my career would be a grave mistake as well. So I buckled up, found a routine and delved into a juggling act that I expected would be the remainder of my career.  And it came in waves, the guilt every time I dropped them off, or missed a milestone. It was bittersweet to hear their teachers talk about the funny or sweet things they said, but I threw myself wholeheartedly into my role as "working" mother. I found many delights in the days that followed, that I came home feeling like I had more to give then when Id been with them all day. My mantra became that I would give myself 100% to my students when I was at school and leave my job at the door when I came home. And I did. I didn't grade papers at home while the boys were awake, I savored the hours I spent with them and felt blessed that unlike many career moms I still got summer vacation to adventure with them and every break they had Id be home planning exciting events to entertain and enrich them. I was finding a groove, I was committed to the role of working mother, excitedly revamping my curriculum and school and planning vacations for us to take.  We had a new home, a new car, and my sons had each other.  Life was finally headed on a comfortable path and the guilt was held at bay. Everything would change in March of 2012...I just didn't know it at the time (Come back to read Part 2 of Mommy dilemmas)

A new beginning....

In 2010 I started a blog for myself, in 2014 I'm starting another for a larger audience I hope. Here you will find the story of a teacher lady who is bringing up four very active boys! All of them have awesome dimples like their father, the youngest ones are twofold! Ok sorry I went all Brady Bunch theme song there :) Why now? Well I'm very active on social media currently, you can find me tweeting as @queenof5guys or @fivemenandalady and I'm realizing I have a lot to say. Hopefully you'll join me here as I journey to explore the rest of my thirties and my life as a "boy" mom and "twin" mom both which somehow often get separated from the title of a Mom. I'm hoping I can tell you my stories and somewhere in there you will find wisdom, humor and a touch of adventure! Join me as I journey through all things muck and mire and make it to the other side!