Dilemmas....the conclusion of this tale and the beginning of my life as a Mom to 4!

In my previous post I alluded to a new monster that had awoken within after my gallbladder surgery. It was FEAR plan and simple. After lying in a hospital for nearly three days post surgery I returned home to my life, but nothing was the same. Taking my gallbladder didn't help me to sleep, it didn't help me eat, and worst of all it didn't take away the knawing pain in the center of my chest. I was at a loss as to what was happening to me, so I researched post surgery complications. I self diagnosed, I became obsessed with the idea that I had blood clot in my legs and that they were going to dislodge and destroy my heart. I went time and time again to have my legs scanned...I went to the ER again for breathing issues...worried that they'd find clots in my lungs. I was unravelling and it was happening fast. The weight kept dropping off me, and by May of 2012 I'd lost over 35 pounds in about 7 weeks.

I was in a constant battle with myself. I would try to talk myself out of the late night ER visits, or pushing my drs for ultrasounds of my legs. I tried not to fixate on the pain in my chest, my irregular breathing, my varicose veins, the pounding in my head. I tried and I failed. Post gallbladder surgery I had numerous scans, ultrasounds and ER visits. My family was concerned, I stopped functioning in all aspects. I was a machine...my sole purpose to find out what was wrong with me and fix it so I didn't die. I was terrified of death...fixated on it, felt like it was lurking for me just around every corner at every hour of the day. Then one night, about my 3rd trip to the ER in two weeks I came face to face with the reality of my actions.

I had gone to bed around 12. Couldn't sleep...breathing became labored, my heart rate was sky high. I felt the pain in my chest, my shoulders, my lungs. I went to the ER room. They did a work up...EKG, blood work, IV and even put dye in my blood to do a scan to see if there was clots. My levels were high...could just be post surgery levels but they were sending me by ambulance to the hospital. I panicked not the hospital...I hated it there... I ended up in a unit where I was observed for a day...Ivs inserted, so used to needles drawing blood and fluids being pumped through me by now that I didn't recognize myself. My arms were covered with bruises from Ivs, and blood draws. I had remnants of surgical tape up and down me. It was out of control. I was out of control. I'd been run through every test, every scan, every scenario and dr after dr assured me, my health was good, my heart was great, no blood clots, nada. I was talked to about why I was feeling this way, and I was assured I was fine. I went home, got in the shower and got to my knees and prayed and cried. I was NOT ok...something was very wrong...my physical pain was real, drs had missed signs before....but as I looked at the bruising on my arms, the tape around me, the holes from needle upon needle I realized that it wasn't my body that was problematic...it was my MIND.

Unless you've struggled with anxiety, cyclical thought patterns and OCD behavior you can't fully appreciate the panic that it produces.  Be thankful if you can count yourself among the decreasing few who have never had your brain harass you and bring out physical symptoms to torture you and evoke Fear. Some will say to cope, just get over it...and some who have been where I sank, will say find a life raft and hold on till you can breath again! I had a life raft...it was my Mom. She pulled me up, she pulled me through and she encouraged me to seek medication. I returned to my dr...explained to him all my thoughts, my travels, my fixations. We did a quiz...we talked about past behaviors. He applauded me for recognizing I was struggling. He gave me script for anti anxiety medication...he gave it and I took hold of it without no reservations. This was a road I hadn't tried...maybe just maybe it would offer me something I'd lacked for the last two months...peace of mind.  

So I started taking this medication I also stopped taking anything that could cause blood clots too, like my birth control pills. Within a week I had adjusted to my new medication and while the thoughts were there, I was finally able to control them. I started to come out of a state of panic and return to myself. I was better than Id been in a long time. I was 40 pounds lighter, I got my hair done, I took a spa day, I saw friends, I laughed...I was a new version of myself. Id been reborn. My husband and I spent time together again, watching our shows and relishing in knowing I wasn't going to be whisking myself off in the middle of the night to the ER. My sons stopped asking me everytime I left the house if I was going to the Drs. The weather was gorgeous, we took family trips to the park, visited my parents, and started putting the dark few months behind us.  My physical symptoms disappeared and I felt beautiful and happy and whole!

Somewhere in all that happy came a day Ill never forget.  I just knew I was pregnant. I knew it days before I missed my period. I knew it because somewhere inside Id always wanted a third and this would be the only way it could ever happen...accidentally. To be fair my husband was aware that I was off the pill, we'd been careful about timing, but I knew that I was pregnant.  6 days before my missed period, I took a test, it came up positive. I was trapped between fear and elation. I couldn't believe it so two hrs later I took the 2nd test...same result. Something was odd about this pregnancy....I felt it. I worried. I googled all sorts of things. I looked up ectopic pregnancies and twin pregnancies because my back pain was so intense. I dreamt of twin daughters. I was known for saying things like, "this will be the babies room, unless there is two of them." Somewhere within me I knew that something was different. And at my 8 week appointment I begged my dr for an early ultrasound to be sure. I went alone, and what I saw on that screen was miraculous and terrifying...I had two babies growing within me.

When I think of the shock that followed now and the tears and the fear...I want to go back and tell myself, these boys are your gift.  They reshaped you, they are miracles. They are one cell...that became two of the most precious souls in my world. They are the anchors to our family. The missing piece Id wanted. When I think of the path it took for them to get here. I would give up my gallbladder again, be riddled with fear, struggle with anxiety and walk through Hell for their existence...I just didn't know it then.   God has a sense of humor...I say that a lot...But I also know that the title of this tale probably should be "You cant always get what you want....but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you NEED" (Rolling Stones)

Side Note: I went off the anxiety medication during my pregnancy, I wanted to give my sons the best chance at health since they were up against some tough odds being identical twins and destined to come early. I made it! Id hope I be ok without the anxiety medication, but within a week of their birth I was drowning...the difference was, this time I knew how to save myself, and I did.

So much personal information...but this is my backstory to the mom I am today. Without these trials I wouldn't be the mother to four boys....id be a mother to 2, a thought that today is just unimaginable :)